How Programmers Build a House :)

1.03. Hooray! We’ve been offered a big contract to build a 12-story apartment building. Everyone’s wildly enthusiastic. Drank 2 crates of beer to celebrate.

2.03. The client doesn’t like the expression “as soon as we get around to it.” Demands a specific deadline. An ignoramus; doesn’t understand a thing about high tech.

3.03. Discussed deadlines. Drank 3 crates of beer. Petrovich says there’s 4 months’ work here, tops. Which means 8 in reality. In the end, we put 12 in the contract, though we’re unlikely to finish in less than 16.

6.03. Petrovich went to return the empty bottles.

8.03. Celebrating International Women’s Day. There are no women at our company, so there’s nobody to spoil the holiday.

2.04. Petrovich says it’s time to start working. Are they conspiring against us or what? Put a fence around the site and hung up nice posters: “Construction by Allstroy (www.allstroy.ru).” Playing Quake with a sense of duty fulfilled.

20.04. The client came by and asked how things were going. Sat him down to play Quake and let him beat all of us.

21.04. Discussed the design. Sidorov proposes a large-block architecture. Petrovich insists we should build everything the old-fashioned way, out of brick, not like lamers. Alex proposed the most radical design: build
a few dozen wooden cottages, then connect them with underground tunnels. It’s all the rage in the West now. Reminded him that the client specifically wants a 12-story building. Tried to settle the matter with a Quake duel.
Alex and his cottages got wiped out immediately, but Petrovich and Sidorov drew. So each of them will build according to his own plan, and then we’ll try to join it all together so it doesn’t collapse.

30.04. The first floor is finished! Showed it to the client. He wanted to know why the ceilings were different heights in different rooms, why bricks were falling out of the walls, and why the building had no entrance and you had to climb in through a window.
Explained that these were special restrictions of the demo version. Off for the holidays, feeling proud of ourselves.

10.05. Petrovich sobered up first and swore for ages. We thought Alex had drunk all the beer. Turned out to be worse: we’d forgotten the foundation. It’s described in the plans, of course, but only lamers read documentation.

11.05. Demolished the first floor. Damn, that hurts.

11.07. Working. Petrovich is finishing the second floor, Sidorov the fifth. Alex has put up an elevator shaft reaching the ninth floor; it sways suspiciously in strong winds. Installed temporary wooden props.

17.07. Alex is building the attic and roof. On the ground. We’ll lift them up with a crane later.

13.08. Sidorov’s panels don’t line up. The gap is over a meter wide. Sidorov called Petrovich over, but he said he was up to his neck in his own work, and anyway, nothing could be done without knowing the panels’ internal architecture.

14.08. Smashed up a few panels so Petrovich could study their internal architecture. Petrovich is swearing, yelling that the panel designers are complete lamers.

17.08. Petrovich patched the hole. Admittedly, the panels ended up crooked in the process, but that’s a minor detail. Had to pull the wiring out of both panels and tie it in a knot. Petrovich wrapped the knot in electrical tape and assures us it’ll work as long as
it doesn’t rain.

1.09. The prefab plant has released a new version of the panels, with improved strength and insulation and built-in closets. Admittedly, they’re incompatible with the previous ones in both shape and size, and three times heavier. Just what architecture do those people at the plant have in mind?

16.09. Alex came running in, bursting with an idea. Proposes making all the windows in the building resizable. Says the client will love it. Told him to stop showing off.

2.10. Petrovich has reached the fifth floor. Proud of himself. Pointed out that his wall leans at a 40-degree angle. He swore, yelled that we were lamers and didn’t understand anything. Then promised to think about it.

3.10. The client came by. Asked why the wall leans at a 40-degree angle. Explained the Coriolis force to him. He heard us out, then said that, of course, he didn’t know anything about construction, but there was an identical building in his
neighborhood, and its wall was straight. Damn. Then that idiot Alex blurted out something about his resizable windows in front of him. Naturally, the client got excited and insists we do it that way. Double damn.

4.10. Asked Alex whether we’d have to take everything apart for his windows. He assures us we won’t—supposedly, even standard panels have this undocumented feature.

5.10. Petrovich admitted that there really is a problem with the wall. Says he laid some brick incorrectly. But to figure out exactly which one, he’d have to go through them all. Easier to tear everything down and rebuild it.

6.10. Tried to convince Petrovich that he no longer had time to rebuild everything in brick. Showed him the calculations on a calculator. Petrovich swore, yelled that calculators were invented by lamers. Eventually agreed to build with panels and went on a drinking binge out of grief.

8.10. Demolished the brick section. Damaged the panel section in the process. The whole structure is creaking and swaying ominously. Reinforced it with wooden props and went off to play Quake.

17.10. Petrovich is back from his binge. Working.

7.11. Celebrating November 7—or whatever it’s called now. There are no Communists at our company, so there’s nobody to spoil the holiday.

15.11. Remembered that our crane only reaches the eighth floor. Sent Sidorov to find us a new crane. Playing Quake. Alex fragged Petrovich. The next generation is coming along!

24.11. Sidorov returned. Didn’t get a crane, but did get a really cool excavator. Proposes digging a deep shaft and building the house downward instead of upward. Says the contract doesn’t say anywhere that the 12 stories have to be above
ground. Barely managed to talk him out of it.

25.11. Had a brainstorming session about the crane problem. Found a solution on the last bottle of beer. Suspended the main construction. Building a four-story house next door. Then we’ll haul our crane onto its roof.

25.12. Celebrating Catholic Christmas. There are no Catholics at our company, so there’s nobody to spoil the holiday.

14.01. Can’t remember a thing. My head hurts. Guys, what year is it?

2.02. Well, looks like we’re finally finishing the 12th floor. Tomorrow we’ll fit the attic and roof Alex built on top.

3.02. Alex is a lamer. The roof keeps sliding off. Propping it up with the crane for now. Thinking about what to do next.

4.02. Alex insists it’s not his fault. It’s just that Sidorov’s 12 stories are 4 meters taller and 5 meters wider than Petrovich’s 12 stories. Turns out they used different panels. But Alex is still a lamer, because his roof doesn’t fit either version. Neither does his elevator shaft, for that matter.

5.02. Patched, reinforced, and extended the roof. Petrovich says it’ll hold as long as it doesn’t snow.

7.02. It snowed.

10.02. Built a plywood roof, painted it to look like sheet metal. Let’s hope the client doesn’t notice.

11.02. Tested the elevator. It stops between floors, but you can get out of the car. On even-numbered floors you crawl out; on odd-numbered floors you pull yourself up. Must remember to describe this in the documentation.

12.02. Actually, the elevator runs extremely slowly. Petrovich is calling everyone lamers and plans to do some optimization.

13.02. Petrovich optimized the elevator. It accelerated, punched through the roof, and flew off in an unknown direction. Good thing the roof is plywood and will be easy to repair. After that, the elevator shaft collapsed. Remembered we’d never replaced the wooden props with anything stronger. Never mind. Walking is good for you.

15.02. Finishing work is underway. For some reason, painters and plasterers keep disappearing. Arranged to have more sent over.

17.02. Turns out that, due to a mistake by Sidorov, the doors on floors two through six only let people in. As a result, lots of painters and plasterers have accumulated on those floors and can’t get back out. Sidorov promised to fix everything. For now, we’re feeding the painters and plasterers through the little ventilation windows.

20.02. Alex finally finished his resizable windows. Tested them. Turns out that resizing a window breaks its glass. There are also a number of side effects. For instance, a toilet and bathtub from one apartment may move into another apartment’s living room. Doors also sometimes disappear, and balconies crumble away. No point complaining to the prefab
plant—they’ll say we shouldn’t be using undocumented features.

21.02. The client came by. Asked if we could make a few small changes to the design. Specifically, build a settlement of wooden cottages connected by tunnels instead of a 12-story building. He read that it’s all the rage in the West now. Neutralized Alex before he could open his mouth and explained to the client, politely but firmly, that he was wrong.

22.02. Balconies keep falling off, even though we haven’t touched the resizable windows again. Apparently, it’s some unrelated bug. Too late to investigate which one, so we simply tore off the remaining balconies to be on the safe side. We’ll try explaining to the client that this was done for optimization purposes.

23.02. Celebrated February 23. There are no military people at our company, so there was nobody to spoil the holiday. No women either, so nobody gave us presents. A shame.

25.02. Alex tried to finish his windows. As a result, half of them shrank to zero size and won’t expand again. Told him to stop showing off before he made things even worse.

27.02. Remembered we’d still forgotten to make an entrance. Wondered whether the building would collapse if we cut one now. Sidorov said we’d better not risk it. Petrovich called him a lamer and agreed. Must remember to describe entry through a window as a design feature in the documentation.

1.03. W-what do you mean, March first?! How?! Only yesterday it was… Damn. Who knew this lame-ass February had 28 days! So the handover isn’t a week away, it’s the day after tomorrow?!

2.03. Crunch time. Working 24 hours a day without waking up.

3.03. Convinced the client we need another day for final testing. Hmm, we certainly got a lot done yesterday… Still, overall, it’s not that bad. So what if some doors are in the floor or ceiling, or lead straight out into the open air from the tenth floor, some apartments are completely inaccessible, some bathrooms are combined with kitchens, half the building has no water and the other half has no electricity, the sewer line ends at the
sixth floor, and the stairs between the eighth and ninth had to be a rope ladder? The main thing is to take the client along the right route. And also to find time before tomorrow to hang pictures of outdoor scenery where the vanished windows used to be…

4.03. Yes! Yes! We did it! Celebrating the handover. I’m not drinking much; I still need time to quit before this piece of crap comes crashing the hell down…